Thursday, October 14, 2010

Behind the living room window

There are more days than not, that I feel like I live my life through my living room window.  Since JJ decided he wanted to be more grown up and walk to school with his friends,there are days I don't even get out of my sweats.  I don't have a reason to get dressed now.  I don't have to go outside if I don't want to.  Most days I don't go out.  I don't have the income to go out and do anything, and even something simple like going to the mall is hard because I might see something I'd like to purchase..and I can't.

So what do I do all day... not to much really.  I get up and make sure JJ has breakfast, gets dressed, washed up and his teeth done. I pack his lunch box, give him a kiss and hug and he goes to school.  Once he's gone, I will do the dishes, dust, sweep or vacuum the floors, mop, make beds, clean the litter box, and of course the dreaded job of cleaning the bathroom.  If you live in a house with two males, you know what an awful job that can be.  When the cleaning is done, if its laundry day then I do that.  Then I sit and go on my lap top and hit up facebook and see whats going on with my youngest daughter out west, and watch tv.  The sofa is on the opposite wall from our large picture window, I find myself staring out it at the world going by me.

People walking by, cars, kids coming and going to school, leaves dropping off the trees, squirrels looking for food, birds at the feeder.  A whole world going on and I'm viewing it from my living room window.  I don't know how to explain why I don't go out every day, its not that I have some sort of fear of going outside. I don't.  When my oldest daughter calls and needs a drive if I have the gas, I go do it.  I could get up of the sofa and go out any time I want between 8am and 3pm, I just don't.  Its like I lack ambition or desire to do anything.  Nothing seems to make me feel good about doing it.  Since the day we moved in here, I would go for a walk every day with Mindy then I got sick and found it too hard to breath to go for a walk, so I had to stop.  Now that I am feeling a bit better, I just don't seem to have any desire to take her for a walk.   Maybe I will once I get rid of this lung infection for good.  I really hope I do, because I need to go for a walk or get some sort of exercise or I'm going to gain more weight than I have already in the past 5 years since lupus hit.

I really don't know the cause.  All I know is I seem to be on autopilot and just doing what needs to be done.  I'm not happy with my life. I don't have a purpose.  When I watch people through my living room window I wonder what their life is like, if they are happier than I am.  What is their marriage like, can they share their deepest thoughts with their partner and enjoy doing things together, how are their kids doing are they happy and healthy,  do they have a good friend base to share with, do they go for a girls night out or a movie, do they get up and embrace the day or dread it?
Maybe someone else is looking through their living room window and wondering the same things I am....


frexgirljj said...

You describe me right to a T I understand you completely sue, I deal with this every day of my life as well and it is because we r not happy in the simple things we need and want out of life and we both know what that is..and it does get scareier every day and not having the money to go do the simple as well, it makes me sometimes wonder if I am going to die never ever having been happy...I understand I understand every thing that you are saying here and I don't have a sick child to deal with Or Do I?
love hugs and prayers..

redneon3 said...

frexgirljj- I know you understand, how awful to fell this way.. and I think you do have a sick child to deal with :(