Thursday, January 20, 2005

Fatigue and sadness

Jan 20/05- Everything hurts but my back, and I hope that "this" doesn't strike there. I cry most of the day from the pain. I can't walk or move, in fact just sitting still hurts. Lying down in bed makes my shoulders and hips hurt so badly its inconceivable that a person can endure this much pain and not want to kill themselves. Its such a different pain tha I have ever experienced, searing, not like a pulled muscle.Even labor is mild to this pain.

Poor N is having to do everything for me. He even has to get me dressed, when I have an appointment to go to, other than that I spend my days and nights in my nightgown. My fingers and joints just won't bend and just trying to make them do so is excruciating. Just brushing my teeth brings tears to my eyes. A shower is a luxury at this point and forget about washing my hair. Trying to get my arms up in the air is next to impossible. The good news is that being OCD I have a tendency to cut my hair all the time, now that I can't get my arms up in the air, its growing out. See there is a silver lining to everything in life.

Still no diagnosis, Dr H is looking at Gout, Arthritis, or Lupus. My family Dr. has put a referral into a Neurologist, she is leaning towards MS because of some past symptoms. Seems like the waiting list to get in though will be about a year. Nice eh?

My friend T in Toronto has also suggested that if they didn't test me for Lupus then to ask them to, she said the raspy change to my voice is a symptom. I also have had another recurrencence of this strange rash on my cheeks (of my face). It comes and goes, and has been like that for about 2 years. I had allergy tests done last year but nothing major showed up in them. Since I can't sit and type at a computer, T is being my eyes and checking out everything she can get her hands on via the internet. She is helping me stay strong mentally with phone calls and words of wisdom. I find some days are mentally worse than others, fatigue and sadness creeping in on me.

A wheel chair is now my mode of transportation when I go out. I just can't walk more than a few steps. Its horrible to be confined to this wheel chair. I'm the one who always walked two steps faster than everyone else and and now I feel like a spectical on display. I don't like people staring at me wondering "what is wrong with her". Heck I wish I knew the answer to that one myself.

Im very scared about what this is and what the prognosis will be down the road.

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