Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This Fog

Some days I feel like I'm loosing my mind... I have always been a big multitasker, great for jobs, bosses love mostly because they can keep piling on the work and you will do everything in your power to get it done. The bad side is the more they pile on, the more they think you can do and then you end up a big stress ball trying to do EVERYTHING!! But thats me, try to do it all, and then of course the old attage, if you want something done right, do it yourself.. yeah, thats me. Having OCD doesn't really help either because your so compulsive about getting things done and a certain way.

So now I seem to be in this fog I can't get out of. Its strange really, I will have a thought, go into a room for something, get there and stand and look around, cause I have no idea of what it was I went there for in the first place. The thought is gone! I will turn around walk out, go do something else and then the thought hits me again, the one I had the first time I was in the room.. and so I chuckle to myself and go do what I was going to do. Does that make Or I will find myself picking up a dirty dish and walking to the fridge instead of the dish washer... I struggle for words sometimes, they are right there at the tip of my tongue, I can almost see them, but they won't make it to my brain.

I have to make lists, I even wrote out a list of chores to do around the house so I would remember to do them. I write stuff on the calander that I want to do that day or it wouldn't get done. But it seems this is just the way its going to be.. lists and fog...

Monday, June 08, 2009

Another Summer!

I'd like to say that I'm hopping for a nice warm, sunny summer.. but the real truth is I'm torn on this. Now that being said, I will

I want it to be hot, hot, with sunshine everyday so we can use the pool which we just got filled today. It keeps Jacob and I busy, splashing each other, having swimming races, silly stuff like that. And its great exercise for someone with painful joints cause it isn't jarring movements in water.

On the other side of this dilemma is the fact that those of us with Lupus aren't suppose to expose ourselves to the sun. Personally I break out in sores from the sunshine. They get itchy, I dig at them, which only makes them worse.. but its like a mosquito bite itchy, it just doesn't stop! So its kind of hard to dawn a bathing suit and get into a pool without being in the sun, especially when you use the sun to heat the water in the Is the dilemma clear

Its a double edge sword. Like most things with this disease, we are limited by our bodies. We have to weigh out the pros and cons and make an informed decision as to what we will do. After much thought, its going to be a pool party everyday because I want to have fun. I'm tired of not being able to do a lot of things that I use to enjoy, like certain foods I can't eat anymore, not being able to have a drink of alcohol, not being able to smoke, not being able to work, not being able to physically do things like,,get down on my knees and wash the baseboards in the house, or even to run.. not that I was ever a but if someone is chasing me, they wouldn't have a problem catching me now a

Limits, those are the things that the disease puts on us, they aren't something that we put on ourselves. And if I tend to think about them too much, I get really pissed off. So sometimes I ignore my body, I do what I want with no limits attached.. of course the consequences of my actions I will have to deal with later on,, but sometimes we just have to go about our job of living, living the best we can with what we have been given.. for me, its enjoying the sunshine and fun in the pool. I hope everyone has fun living this summer!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

MRI results

I got a phone call Friday morning from my family Dr's office. The receptionist wanted to know who was following up with me on the results of the MRI, them or my Rheumatologist? I told her I wasn't sure... she said she would phone my Rheumatologists office and ask them. I hung up the phone knowing that something must of showed up..right.. or why would the Dr.'s office call..?

Late Friday, the Rheumatologists office called, the Dr. himself actually. He said they had the results, I had a herniated lumbar disc in my back. He wanted to know if he was handling this problem or my family Dr.? I told him I thought he had referred me to the neurologist for the MRI, he says no... I said well the neurologist office called and gave me an appointment, then after that the hospital called and set up the MRI appointment. He was baffled, and at this point I was too.

Then he asked if I was in enough pain for him to call his favorite back surgeon in Saint John and make an appointment for him to see me? I said "no, having surgery right now just doesn't fit in with my life plan".  He laughed, asked again what my pain level was. I told him I had this pain for 30 yrs, that I knew what I could and couldn't do, and if I did too much in one day then I was in pain, but that I was "use to it".   Of course Dr's don't like to hear you say "your use to it", they like to fix things if they can... so he asked if I was sure I didn't want a referral... maybe go to physio at least? I thanked him, but told him no, not now, if it gets to where I can't handle it, then I will take him up on his offer.

You may think I'm being silly, but I was happy to hear the diagnosis. Not that it was this serious, but the fact that I now know why I have had this back pain, why my left leg has been totally numb every day for years. Its so numb that they can't get it to do the reflex thing when they tap it with the little rubber hammer thingy... to me this was good news, I now know why!

Over all these years, I have learned what I can and can't do. I can make the bed as long as it doesn't take more than 5 minutes because being leaned over in that position causes pain. I can mop the floor, vacuum, sweep as long as I do it fast,(ten minutes top) don't twist too much or I will have shooting pain that starts in my lower back and then run down my leg. I can't crouch down more than one or two times to do stuff like clean the baseboards, or to paint ..or I am in pain. Bending down to clean the cats or the dogs litter boxes is difficult, putting dishes in the dishwasher, standing at the sink to wash the pots... its all hard to do, but it gets done... after all if I don't do it, who the heck is going to?

We all do things we "have" to do whether we feel like we can, or we can't.... its our nature. I find that since I have been diagnosed with Lupus, I want to do this stuff just so I keep telling my body "yes you can and you will"! Its a control thing. I don't want Lupus to control everything about my life. It tries to beleive me... but I want to still have some control over my life...after all, that's my personality. Its who I am, before and it will be after this Lupus decided to try to take over my life.

I know I should be doing something for the back, but I can't do physio again. I did it for 7 months when I had my big Lupus flair and couldn't move. It did help, but having to drag JJ along and trying to keep him busy while they work on me is a nightmare. Surgery is totally out of the question because we are trying to sell the house. We do open houses every Sunday, that means keeping the house cleaner than I normally would every day of the week so it only takes 3 hours to super clean up before the open house instead of 6 hours. It also means who would look after JJ, get him ready for school and take him to the bus every day if I'm in the hospital. It means weeks of recovery, and trying to keep me from doing things when I got home so it wouldn't "undo" what was done in surgery...Nope, just not possible. Right now, I'm irreplaceable. Now if you could clone me, that would be fine. If my clone just stepped in and took over, yep...I would consider it.

Then there is the issue of the warfarin, and not being able to go off it or I would get another blood clot because of the Hughes syndrome... how do you operate on someone on warfarin and not have them bleed to death? I'm not even suppose to have dental work done (which I desperately need) because of that. Then there is the problem with the pleurisy in my right lung. How would going under anesthesia affect that problem? See having Lupus and all the wonderful physical problems is so much fun... of course I'm being sarcastic.... If I didn't have Lupus life would be simpler, but it wouldn't be half as

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why you should look in your rear view mirror...once in a while at

After my niece V told me her story about her run in with one of Fredericton's finest and then her trip to SNB I thought I would share my ticket story so you could all have a laugh...some of you have heard this before, so you don't have to read it.

I lived in Vancouver from 1975-1981, and I got my drivers licence in 1977 at the ripe old age of 20. The first two years out in Vancouver I relied on the cable cars or my two feet to get around to work etc or hubby when he was sober, or not working..

I bugged him so badly to take me to California, that in 1977 shortly after I got my drivers licence he finally gave in and we took our first trip to the sunny coast if I shared the driving... I mean how hard can it be to drive on 4-8 lane highways?

Going down was uneventful, we had just purchased a 1975 Datsun 280Z which my husband boasted could go from 0-60 in 7 seconds .... and it could,LOL I had a very heavy foot and being young and stupid (yeah, I admit it) I drove at full tilt when ever I got behind the wheel. Now maybe it was because I liked to race, or the fact that I had just learned how to drive, but hubby was a bit nervous with me behind the wheel. It was a toss up to him, not drink and have to do most of the driving, or let me drive and sit there and get drunk. Luckily for me the call of a nice cold beer took over and I drove most of the time.

Going down I out drove a BMW who was really pissed that some chick was beating him... I lost him some where in Oregon..LOL I don't remember much of the scenery when I drove,,LOL most of it is just one big blur.. Vacation was ok, hubby spent his time with his lips wrapped around a beer bottle and I spent most of my time on the beach or trying to cool off in our tent. I decided that I was really a west coast girl from the east

On our way home, hubby decided that since I got us to California in one piece I could do the drive home as well. He split his time from drinking to pissing in the bottles and chucking them out the car window.... I know ewh!!!

Now you have to picture me back then to get the full grip of my story... I was tiny back then, 115lbs with sun bleached hair and my rather large chest was a pretty good combination..of course my clothes were anything but conservative...LOL I had it and I was going to flaunt it too...

We are on a nice long flat stretch, I mean for hours there had been nothing but one overpass going to some obscure town. Miles of nothing to look at and not much to talk to since hubby was past his 6 beer limit of making any

It was hot, the windows were rolled down and the underwear in my short,shorts were riding up my crack (I presume that why the made thongs) and chafing me like crazy. I had on a pink lace up the front crop top halter top and most of the laces were undone to let a little breeze blow on the girls...LOL

Some where along my travels I had picked up a police car, probably at the overpass, cause I sure didn't see him sitting along the side of the highway anywheres...LOL I would of have noticed that!!

I didn't see him behind me, at all,,, nope not one bit, what I did see was a small airplane that was coming straight for me up parallel with the highway and doing this little wiggle thing, tipping from side to side. I slapped my husbands arm and said something like "what is this idiot doing" and he snapped out of his 8 beer snooze, almost spilling the open one he had in his hand resting between his thighs. Even as drunk as he was, hubby looks in the side mirror and says "how long has the cop been behind us with his lights on?",, to which I was introduced to the "rear view mirror" and said "What cop?" LOLPMP

My next words were a jumble of "what do I do's" and hubby swearing and trying to hide his open beer as he hollered "slow down and pull over you idiot!!" (of course I cleaned that sentence up a bit for publication) LOL

I started down shifting and slowing and pulled over to the side of the highway as the airplane made one last pass and wagged his wings at me again! The police car pulled in behind us as I sat there shaking and almost in tears.

The officer came up to my window, peeked in and saw hubby, looked in the tiny back seat and saw all our luggage and then tipped back his hat.

His first words were "do you have any idea how long I have been trying to catch up with you?
"No sir", I replied hoping that if I was polite it would work in my favour at this point.
"I have been behind you for 5 miles, do you not look in your rear view mirror?" he asked, at this point looking down my open laced halter top.
"Actually my husband just asked me the same question" I replied with a nervous laugh.

He then got down to the personal questions, like where we were from, where were we going and did I know what the speed limit was in the state of California? LOL
I took this opportunity to ask if airplanes always flew that low in California, to which he laughed and said "I called him in to get your attention and stop you"... I could feel my face getting red.

He asked me for my licence and registration and walked back to his car shaking his head at my stupidity...LOL

He came back with my paper work, announced that I was doing 105mph and the added offense of "evading police" which would be a fine of $200.00 and would have to be paid before I would ever be allowed to cross back into the US of A !

I think I said "oh shit" or something along those line, and noticed that the whole time he is standing next to my window, he hasn't taken his eyes off my boobs! I decide to play this up and turned a little more towards him, shifting in my seat which gave him an even better view of the girls. With our chatter about just buying the car, and my newly acquired drivers licence it seemed to break the ice. He starts writing out the ticket as I continue to chatter away.

He hand me the ticket, wishes us a safe and "slower" trip home and walks back to his car. I glance at the ticket, he's made it out for a speeding offense only for $150.00 Now who says boobs aren't an asset? Oh, and the moral of the day is.... don't forget to watch out for low flying airplanes.....LOL

Monday, March 30, 2009


A lot of you have asked how Brandy is doing...and I thank you for that,,it means you care...

In a nut shell, she is back to normal.. I won't say 100% but she is being herself with still some slight balance problems. But you know what... I'll take that!

When I started force feeding her, I really think she knew in her heart I wasn't going to just give up and let her die. She started eating on her own.. of course now she won't touch dog food... I have continued to feed her the gr. beef and rice mixture the vet recommended, but when you work out the cost..its cheaper than the crappy canned food so why not make it up for her?

She still has some problem with her bowels and I am seriously suspecting that her eating cat poop from the liter box the week before she got sick has something to do with it. I have been doing a lot of reading about our handy dandy "scoopable" litter and how dangerous it is for dogs if they ingest it and cats if they lick their paws. Luckily my cats aren't lickers,,so they have never gotten sick from it. But Brandy seems to be straining a lot and her bowels don't seem to be working properly so I am going to take her to the vet again, with my suspicions and see if there is some sort of "doggie internal cleanzing" that she can take to get rid of the scoopable litter blob that is sitting in her lower intestine or bowel.

She is hating Jacob again, getting into gnarling, teeth bashing fights with Mindy, begging at the table, whining when we don't let her sleep with us, frisky and wanting to play tug of war with her old sock (for about 10 wagging her tail, barking at things she "thinks" she hears with her old deaf ears... yep, like I said she is almost back to normal... and best of all, the spark is back in her eyes... and really, at her age....what more could I ask for?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Its over......

I woke up at 5:45 AM, not because I couldn't sleep but because it was "D day", that's right it was MRI day. I have been dreading this day for a month now. I had to be at the hospital for 7:30, so I got up , got ready and out the door by 6:55 not knowing what bridge traffic would be like at that time of morning. The whole drive in I did a lot of deep breathing. I knew I had to stay calm or I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Traffic was light, I got to the hospital at 7:15 and after getting checked in, I went straight to the MRI department. The new wing they built for the new MRI machines was really nice, better than when I had my last one in 2006. Then they only had a change room and then you were lead out to a mobile trailer that housed the MRI Now back then, that did not do a thing for my

This time though, they have a reception area, waiting room and a separate change room, bathroom that I used twice in 20 minutes (nerves got the best of me) and another waiting room for after you put on the lovely johnny shirt and house coat. I had to wait 15 more minutes before they called me in, so the test actually didn't get started till 7:45.

The new MRI was smaller in diameter and luck would have it they didn't strap me in the Hannibal Lector mask this time! I had to lay down on a narrow table with my head wedged between two foam supports and then they placed large rubber ear cushions between the supports and my ears. They no longer use the large ear phones with music... just little foam ear plugs and these large rubber cushions that jam your head in and don't help one bit for someone who is claustrophobic! When I laid down and looked up there were 9 large panels that looked like you were looking up at a beautiful sunny sky with big fluffy clouds... it looked silly more than comforting, which I think is more the feeling they were trying to convey.

The two technicians then placed more confining rubber wedges beside my arms which meant they had to be folded across my chest and one technician then placed a rubber bulb call button in my hand patted it and said "if you need us to stop for any reason, press this". In my head I replied, "oh, you can be darn sure of that"... out loud I said "thank you". Knowing how claustrophobic I was they warned me before they made the table move in towards the MRI tube. I closed my eyes and tried to regulate my breathing which I noticed was becoming a tad to fast. Yeah, that's what I want to do, start hyperventilating inside the

The hum that was constant since I came into the room was suddenly very loud, followed by clicking noises.. I told myself I could do this and pressed my eyes tighter. I thought I was doing quite well till the Technician come over a loud speaker and informed me that they were ready to start. "start?!" what was all that noise then, if it hadn't even started yet? I had to talk myself down, I was getting anxious again! Sure enough the noise changed to a pounding ,noise, but not like the last MRI this was like someone in a welding shop hammering on a piece of metal. This noise went on for 5 minutes, followed by a low strong vibrating kind of noise that actually made my wrists hurt and the hair on my arms feel like it was standing up straight in the air. This came in waves and then 5 minutes later it was back to the loud metal hammering noise again. Half way through the test I made the mistake of lifting my hand, it was mearly a reaction to the pain the test was giving my hand hit the top of the machine. I didn't realize that it was THAT close, at that moment I felt like I was in a coffin. I had to talk to myself again, "stay calm, keep your eyes closed, its almost over, you can do this". To take my mind off the enclosed feeling, I tried to imagine what the metal tapping noise reminded me of.. and it came to me, it made me think of "woody the wood pecker tapping on a metal roof, really, really fast" I smiled at the thought. Ooops..keep my eyes shut! Whew.. that was close...

It felt like forever before the test was done, in reality it was 25 minutes. The voice came over the speaker again " You're all done Sue, the table will move to bring you out". I could feel the table moving, then I felt the Technicians hand on mine trying to take the rubber bulb call button out of my grip. "Your out, you can open your eyes now", she said to me. "I'm all the way out" I asked. "Yes, your all the way out" she replied. You know how you can tell someone is smiling just by their voice... she was smiling. I opened my eyes. Relief doesn't even start to explain how I felt. "So, did you mind the new machine as much as the old one?" the Tech asked me. "Actually it wasn't as loud, the bang, bang noise sounded more like Woody the woodpecker on Crack" I replied. She burst out laughing.. "Well I've never had anyone describe it quite that way before" she stated still chuckling at me. "I'll have to remember that one" she said.

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the table. I sat and got my bearings like she suggested for a couple of minutes and noticed that another side effect of the old MRI wasn't happening with this new one... I didn't have the explosive headache like last time. I hopped off the table and went to the changing room and got dressed. It was off to blood work next. I have come to the conclusion though that I have stretched my "I can do it" to the max.. if I am scheduled for another MRI,,, I am going to refuse... I really can't do this again.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Help, I'm stuck !

I haven't gone out since I've been nursing Brandy back to health, so I decided to go to the mall today and look for an outfit to wear to a dinner mystery murder theater we are going to on Sat.

I went to Sears, cause they had a sale going on. I love dresses, but the last time I wore one was at my last wedding in 1992. I have horrible scars from the lupus on my arms and legs and a huge bulging vein on my left leg that takes away from any sexiness that might be present. But just the same, I had about 10 dresses in my arms and I make my way to the dressing room.

I took off my top and undid my belt and jeans and just let them fall to my ankles cause I didn't want to have to unlace my winter boots and take them off... so are you getting a picture now? I know your grinning!

I was on dress 8 , it was really cute, a slim cut, black on the bottom, white on the top with little ruffles along the very deep V neck and a tiny belt that would hit just below the bust line.

Now, as you all know I'm chunky..and have a very ample bust... but none the less I pulled this dress over my head and then the realization hits that its much to snug to fit over my bust line..but ohhh nooooo,,, I keep going and pull it all the way down.

Some people have the body dysmorphic thing where they think they look ugly when they look in the mirror...well I think I'm skinny like I was 15yrs ago until I look in the mirror and then its like "oh my gawd, who is that fat person?" lol

The dress looked really good, or let me rephrase that,,, it would of, if it was a size larger that But I had grabbed the largest on the rack already so I knew there was nothing larger out there. So I figured I may as well stop looking at it and take it off...

I tried to grab the bottom and lift it up over my head, it felt like I was choking myself and locked in a sleeping bag. I started to panic, literally. I pulled it back down again.

I tried to grab some material and slide an arm out,,nope that wouldn't work either! I stopped and tried to gain my composure. I couldn't get it off!!!...Should I rip the tags off put my top and coat on and go pay for it and hope I loose 15 pounds over night? lol

I could hear a sales lady up further in the dressing room helping a lady fit a bra. I bent down, pulled up my jeans, did up the belt, straightened out the dress a little and poked my head out the door. That fast the sales clerk was gone.

I waited a few minutes, which seem like an eternity when your standing there with a dress on that is starting to cut off the Still no sales clerk.

I went to the main door and stuck my head out looking around the store for a one. I waited 5 minutes then went back to my dressing room. I really didn't know what I was going to do!

I heard someone walking in, so I opened up the door and see a woman coming with an arm full of clothes, she is grinning as she looks at me on the way past. I spoke up "Hi, do you think you could PLEASE help me, I can't find a sales clerk".. I sounded really desperate.... "I can't get this dress off" I was almost pleading now.

Her grin got larger. She hung up her clothes and then grabbed the bottom of the dress and pulled with all her might. I was a little taller, so I scrunched down a bit so she would have more leverage. So here I am standing with my bra, jeans and boots in the middle of the dressing room with a complete stranger tugging at this dress.... Off it came!

I'm thanking her and babbling on about how cute it looked on the hanger, she is nervously talking about how we all do things like this once in a while in our lives..and then tell her that this was my "what was I thinking moment" and she totally cracks up laughing...

I go back in my room and sit on the bench and the whole thing makes me start laughing, out loud, quite loudly, and I can't stop, I just sit there laughing..and the poor woman in the next room must really think I am some sort of nut case !

I put on my top, zip up my coat, sling my purse over my body and leave the store and the dress behind me, thinking that if they had surveillance cameras in the dressing room the security person must be rolling around on the floor laughing and marking the tape to show at the next staff party.

I decided to wear the pantsuit hanging in my closet.....

Thursday, March 05, 2009

When your faithful friend gets sick

I have had Brandy for 15 years. I'm not even sure of her heritage.. she looks like a Jack Russell white with the brown circle around her eye and some small brown spots on her body. I do know her mother was a terrier/poodle mix, the father was some dog walking by. I never held that against

I know the terrier comes thru a lot in her. She will sit by the baseboards waiting for mice. She got that when we moved to Harvey when she was a puppy and we had field mice in the house and she would chase them and they would squeeze down between the baseboard and the wall. She could sit and wait for hours sometimes days. Almost obsessive, but thats the terrier for sure.
She never ever licked, I got one once..I think she forgot and just let her guard down that time.. she shows affection by snorting in your ear, wet, but its still affection and it is her way of letting me know she appreciates the love she gets from me, from us as a family.

Now she is partially deaf, her teeth are bad and her breath is even worse.. but she still makes me laugh. She was a sweet dog when she was younger, but like the rest of she has gotten on in years she got cranky. Well you could almost say darn right nasty, but not with me. She was my dog from the start, and she doesnt' like strangers, men in particular (which I think just shows good taste) lol
She got that from my brother D who decided it would be cute to bark at her when she was she can here his voice (even over the phone) and she will bark franticly!

She also doesn't like children, which can be a challange when you have 4 grandchildren all under the age of 7. lol It took her months to warm up to Norm, now though after all these years she will sit and cuddle with him and bring him her old worn sock to throw for her.

I remember bringing her home as a puppy, tucked into the front pouch pocket on my jacket. Her sticking her nose out and the girls squeeling with delight. I liter box trained her because we werent' allowed to have dogs in the mini home park. When we moved into a house later that year, she got to go outside and pee like normal dog. But she is smart, and if she has to go and no one is home, she will go back to the litter box instead of peeing on the floor.

The past three days she has been sick. Tuesday it was just her not eating, walking very slowly and thowing up. She was drinking more water, but couldn't even keep that down. Wednesday it was worse, her balance is off.. she tried to shake like they will when they are all soaped up and in the tub.. but she fell over on her side and I had to pick her up and set her on her feet again. Her depth perception is off, she walked into the door. She still hasn't eaten, her eyes are doing this back and forth kind of twitchy freaky thing. The worse part is her eyes,,,they are sad... she looks at you like she wants to know whats wrong with her... and I can't tell her.

Its so sad to think that this may be her exit time. That 15 is old for a dog just doesn't seem fair. I know that she has more to teach me and more joy to give. She has always been my friend, never lying to me, cheating on me, hurting me or making me regret getting her. She has been a constant, a loyal and wonderful companion. At times sharing my bed, crawling down under the covers when it gets cold and lying on my legs... she loved the old water bed when I had that because it was always warm in the winter and she would always take her naps on it.

I got Brandy to the vet tonight, three hours later, we are all back home. Normally just pulling out her leash and saying the word "car", would have her so excited she would have a stroke.. tonite she didn't even wag her tail and I had to pick her up and carry her. I sat with her in my lap, her head resting on my arm as she looked out the window, and Norm drove.

Normally she wouldn't let Jacob near her, tonite she let him pet her head and never once did her Elvis impersonation....(you know, the curled up lip on one side) She did manage to try to bite the good Dr when she came over to examine her though..

Her heart and lungs are good, she noticed right away that she was holding her head to one side and I put her down so she could see her try to walk... which reminds me of an ex husband I had (he was always drunk) The Dr. "thinks" that her balance and eye problems are due to a tumor pressing on something in her head without doing a very, very, very expensive scan of her head, its her best diagnosis. She checked her ears because of the possibility that it might be something as simple as a bad ear infection that was making her sick cause of the inner ear...but says here ears look normal too. She ran some blood tests to make sure is wasn't kidney,liver or diabetes, all were within normal range. She gave her a shot of some new antibiotic that would be easier than trying to get a pill into a dog that can't eat and is barely drinking at this point... the needle would stay in her body and work for 2wks. She did this as a precaution in case its some sort of infection... but she doesn't hold much hope at her age, she has seen more of these symptoms in elderly dogs with brain tumors.

Over the next couple of days, I'm suppose to try to get her to drink small amounts of water and hopefully keep it down so she doesn't get dehydrated. When she is able to do that, I have to try to get her to start eating a couple of tablespoons of rice and cottage cheese or rice and cooked lean ground beef. I have to continue to keep the stairs blocked off so she doesn't fall and hurt herself, and to help her go outside to pee and come back in safely, put some drops in her eyes 3-4 times a day to keep them lubricated because she isn't blinking properly. If she gets worse over the next couple of weeks,,,,well then I have to make the decision to put her to sleep. In the mean time,,,she is my baby and I have to keep her safe as possible and make sure that she isn't suffering.. right now the Dr says she isn't,, no signs of pain, just being very sick at this point. Make her comfortable, keep her company, make her feel safe and loved.. and most of all hope for some miracle. I"m hoping for the latter.

Brandy was actually able to keep her water down today, she only threw up once over night and once when she woke up again at 8 am. during the day she drank and as the Vet suggested I only gave her a little at a time. She is still very unsteady on her feet and I help her in and out of the house to go pee. She squats to have a bowl movement, but of course she hasn't eaten in 4 days now so there is nothing to come out. I got groceries this morning and picked up a couple containers of that expensive "ceasers" dog food. I was trying to spoil her, bribe her into eating. It didn't work, she only sniffed at it and laid back down. Dora the cat loved it

What makes me know that she is still feeling really sick is her eyes , they are still so sad. I pick her up and sit her on my lap and rub her neck ,,if I stop she sticks her nose under my hand telling me to continue..of course I do. She is sleeping alot more than usual, even for a 15 yr old dog.. but there is still a piece of me that is hoping she will snap out of this.

Thanks to everyone for your support and hugs,, greatly needed and appreciated..

Monday, February 23, 2009

snow, snow, go a way

See the snow level behind J's head in these shots !

Making path for Brandy.

Bird feeder to left and BBQ above...

J Cleaning snow infront of windows
these are over 5' high from ground.


I'm so tired of Its Thursday and its snowing again, and we are expecting about 30 cm of the cr*p..for those of you not totally familiar with centimeters..that's a sh*t pile of
If I walk out into the yard it would be almost to my crotch when this storm is done, well I'm predicting over waist high.

The roads were packed and totally snow covered by noon and of course the 4wdr idiots were out in full force passing on impassable roads. Of course J is thinking snow day for tomorrow and upset because the class was suppose to go skating.. He loves skating and doing quite well at it this year, no more skate bar to hang on to, no hovering along the boards like I

Last weekend a 31yr old RCMP officer and his two children ages 3&7 were killed when their car skidded on snow covered roads, into the path of an oncoming bus on the highway. It was heartbreaking to see pictures of how mangled the car was, and the first people on the scene said they will never get over what they saw. A family wiped out in the blink of an eye. I can't imagine the pain..

F wants to leave tomorrow for Quebec to visit his family for a week and B and D are going with him. I hate it when they travel that far in the winter... our roads are so horrible.. I hold my breath the whole 9 hours waiting for the call that they have arrived safe and sound. Maybe the snow will be done in the week they are up there...OK probably not!


B,F&D left around 2pm after a quick stop at N's work so he could bang out a bent rim and put some air in the tire for them. They arrived in Quebec around midnight,,I got B's "dingle" on the phone about then. I could finally go to sleep. School wasn't cancelled after all so J was a very happy little boy...he got to go skating with his school, and had a lot of fun trying to "race" his friends.


They are predicting more snow tonight and most of the day Monday, where we are going to put it I have no idea. The snow is so high it is to the bottom of the windows in the house now which is almost 5feet up from the ground... does that give you a mental picture of the amount of snow I'm talking about? Can you say, enough is enough...I can


Got up to pee around 2am since my methotrexate kicked in..I never get to sleep well on Sunday nites because of the medication I take. I tried to look out the bathroom window and couldn't see anything but white. I went back to the bedside table and got my glasses and made my way back to look out the window again. Still couldn't see anything, the reason was the snow had piled up so high it was over the window now! I went to the back door, turned on the outside light and gasped.. my car had disappeared in the storm. Winds are horrible and its a total white out to boot. I crawled back into bed prepared for a snow day.

Woke up again at 5am and this time I put my glasses on made my way to the back door and couldn't believe my eyes. The snow was up to the bottom of the windows on my car, that's waist high! I must of said "holly shit" louder than I thought because N comes out of the bedroom and peaks out the door too... he had the same We went back to bed and turned on the radio, they were warning about white out conditions, and impassable roads in town, snow plows being pulled off the roads and vehicles stuck all over the place. They were calling for lots of cancellations to be heard with the 6am news. We drifted back to sleep.

The alarm went off again at 6am and as predicted, the cancellation list was long.. suffice to say that the whole town was shut down, the malls, banks, all government offices and all stores including N's work. He was happy he didn't have to go out and snow blow and try to get up our unploughed hill to the highway. I think I can only remember 3 times in the 52 years I've been alive that everything was closed for the day or opening after 1pm. Needless to say, N & I just lazed around in bed until 8 when J woke up and started playing Lego.

Out the front window, the bird feeder was barely visible, all the side windows are blocked with snow. J ate breakfast and wanted to go out and play in the snow... oh to be a child again... He shoveled a path for Brandy to go out and pee, when N tried to let her out earlier, she took one step then looked back at N like "your kidding me right?"and ran back into the house without

J climbed up on top of the snow banks and as I opened the windows and pushed with a broom to knock some snow down, he took his shovel and dug them out a bit more. We can now see out them a little. Its not very cold, but the wind is very hard and blowing snow bad, N decided he better go out and start snow blowing before it got so deep the blower wont' go thru it. He's been out there an hour already and only has half the driveway done. We have gotten a lot of snow!

I don't know whats going to happen if we have another snow fall. The yard is full, we will have to start filling garbage bags and dump them into the river,,I know its out there

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Sick and tired

Needless to say, when you have an autoimmune disease like Lupus, the last thing you want to do is come into contact with someone who has the flu or a cold for that matter. I know it may seem like I'm asking for a lot....but even the simple cold J gave me last week knocks the stuffing out of me.

It is frightening when he comes home from school with a sniffle. I start to dread what might lie ahead for me. Well the poor little guy came down with a doozie a week and a half a go and is just starting to mend now. He's lucky since he gets to take some antibiotics I don't have that luxury.

The first 5 days into this I was fine, I could concentrate on trying to make him feel comfortable and writing down what times he had what medicine and if he was able to eat anything. He was soooooo sick. Not talking, not wanting to play..and to know he was really sick..he wasn't talking! Anyone who knows J knows that is an almost impossible keep him
So I knew he was really sick! Sore throat, headache, stuffed up nose and fever,, he just wanted to between me giving him some ibuprofen to keep the fever at bay.

By day 9 it went into his ear,,that's when I called the Dr.s office, she was good enough to work me in that day. J came home with some (yummy banana) medicine and within a day the "ouch, ouch,ouch" every time he swallowed had subsided. On day 7, it happened...yep.. I got a sore throat, and I braced for the worse. My sinus became more solid than a can of dry wall left out to the air, I couldn't swallow without wincing. I dug out my nose spray, and a squirt bottle of throat spray, box of Kleenex (puffs plus)and settled in on the sofa keeping my fingers crossed that it wouldn't be as bad as J's had been.

Of course the Dr. looked at my throat and listened to my chest to make sure it wasn't settling in my lungs..and then gave me that sympathetic look...and announced that there wasn't' much sense in trying to write me a prescription..given my history. I nodded in agreement...she was right. I would have to bide my time and ride this out.

This is the worse part of Lupus, even this cold set me into a flair..a mild one thank goodness, but just the same it was there. The joint pain, the red cheeks. It hurts to be sick. Not only do I have to suffer through the cold, I have to watch my body react to the antibodies invading it as it tries to fight it off...trying to figure out just which antibodies it should attack and saying "oh the heck with it" and just attacking everything in my body instead.

Some times I just think it would be better to go around with a face mask on all the time and try to catch these viruses before they make their way into my body,, just waiting to wreck havock.

J is feeling better, today is day 12 and he wanted me to play "star wars leggo" on his game cube. Of course being the good nannie I am,, I played for 3 hours...squirting my nose and sucking on a cough drop. Tomorrow I'll send him back to school and I can have a couple of hours to myself so I can try to recover.

Hope everyone is well ~Sue

Monday, January 19, 2009

A family secret dies

There has been a secret kept in our family for many years. Its a secret that is prominent in families around the world. The secret is sexual abuse/molestation. This secret ran for generations within our own family, my Mother was molested, I was molested, and two other family members (who I won't name for their privacy) have been molested as well.

I was taught from a very young age to watch out for a certain family member..the same one who molested my Mother. In my young mind, I thought that he was the only person I had to be careful of, that was the only person in my life that would betray that trust. I was wrong, I was misinformed.

When I was around 11 yrs old I was molested by a cousin. He was my Mothers favorite nephew, he could do no wrong in her eyes, the sun rose and set around him. Because of this, when he molested me, I never felt that I could tell anyone, especially my Mother. It all happened so innocently, he and I were playing upstairs, our respective parents were just downstairs in the living room. My brothers bedroom was next to mine, we had a joint closet that you could walk into in my room and walk out into their room. My cousin P trapped me in the closet, pushed me up against the side wall and pulled down my pants. In a blink of an eye he proceeded to stick his fingers where they didn't belong and try to french kiss me. I pushed him away and started to cry. He held on to me, put his hand over my mouth and told me to shut up and keep my mouth shut forever or people would be hurt. I obeyed, even though I wasn't sure what he meant by "people would be hurt".

Within minutes of this happening, we were called to go down stairs to join in a family photo. I still have that photo, me sitting with my arms crossed and an angry scowl on my face...its a constant reminder of the day I was violated by someone I loved and trusted.

I avoided him the rest of the time he was visiting, making sure I stayed in the same room as an adult, never putting myself in the position of being alone with him again. No one noticed that things had changed between us. But they had. I no longer trusted this person, and I was glad to see him go home. My life changed that day. I never told anyone, I tried to put it out of my mind. But its something that never goes away, a memory that can never be erased.

As a child I was confused on why someone would do that, why it kept happening to me. It really changed how I felt about myself, then and also in the years that followed. Sexual abuse changes a girls sense of self. I know it did mine. I felt that the only thing I had that any guy wanted was what laid between my legs. Over the years every time he visited he forced himself upon me, there were times that he didn't get his chance because I refused to go near him. I stayed close by my Mother or Father and yet he would take every opportunity he could to try to get me alone. I came to dread his visits. But even worse was having to put on a front for everyone. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to like someone because the rest of the family likes him..because they don't know the truth. Keeping a secret as a child is difficult. Keeping it as an adult is even harder. Its harder because you know that what has been happening to you is wrong, that its no fault of your own, that you should tell..but you don't know how.

From the age of 11-14 cousin P would tell me how much he loved me and what he was doing wasn't wrong because he "loved me so much". He was only trying to drill into me that he was right, and I had to keep the secret. He used the fact that I was a very shy young girl to make sure I was not going to tell anyone.

One thing could always be said about P, and that was that he was very charming. Some people use charm for good things, he used charm to get what he wanted from people.

About 5 yrs ago my mother told me she had gotten very upsetting news about cousin P , that his step daughter had accused him of sexually abusing her. Mom was distraught to say the least as she explained what she had heard he had done. I felt sick to my stomach, this meant everything would come to the surface. This meant I would have to tell my mother what he had done to me.

I wanted to test the waters, so to speak,,I looked at her and asked "Mom do you think P could do something like that?"

She simply replied "I would hope not". I should of taken the opportunity right there to tell her what he had done to me. My voice would not come out. The look of despair on her face told me I would harm her more by telling her. I kept my mouth shut again. I let him get away with his crimes again.

I felt guilty all over again. I was struggling again that I should of told her back when he had first done it to me. Maybe he would of gotten some help then and his step daughter would not of been on his list of victims.

I say 'list of victims", because abusers don't just do it once, they do it many times, to many people, over a span of many, many years. He used his charm to do it, to get away with it all these years. I know I wasn't the only one who's life he changed. Who was before me, I don't know. But he should of been stopped. He was never made to be accountable for what he did. His step daughter never got the justice she needed. I so wish I had known at the time instead of months after the fact, she had reported what he had done. I would of come forward in her defense and told what he had done to me as well. I would of validated that he was 'very much" capable of doing this to females. She was brave enough to tell and he still never got charged for his crime, no one believed her. He used his influence in the community , his political pull and a very convenient house get away with this crime.

Her mother never protected her, in fact she stayed with this man, living under the same roof with him after he sexually abused her daughter. All this I'm sure just made it worse for her knowing her own mother betrayed her as well. It was bad enough for me to see him over the years at holiday time and anniversaries etc.. but for his step daughter to have to see him on a regular basis after she had reported what he had done... I can't imagine what she must of felt like.

I told a couple close friends about what had happened with P when I was in my thirties. I told my daughters why they had to keep clear of cousin P and when they were younger they never left my sight when he was around. I told my niece a couple of years ago, but I only told my brother D last summer. He was angry which I understand.

Its taken me many years to understand why I was promiscuous in my twenties and thirties not valuing who I was or what I had to offer a man. This behaviour is so common among females that have been sexually abused. It takes a lot of reflecting, a lot of growing up and maturing to know why I was acting that way. It took a lot of reinforcing my own self worth to come out of this in one piece.
Will the pain ever go away, no. Will the pain of being violated ever go away, no. It gets easier, it will get even easier now that I no longer have to see this person. It will get better knowing that he is no longer able to roam this earth inflecting pain on people. Now I am free, now there is no such thing as "the secret".

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Lazy Sunday

Today was an absolute waste of a day. I did nothing except look out the window every so often and curse at the snow falling. Early this morning it said we should get about 10 cm of the white crap...oops...stuff... now they say 20-25cm. Can they make up their minds so I can get depressed and get over

I don't like snow, loved it as a child..but then I guess what child doesn't enjoy getting bundled up, have to pee, get undressed and then redressed and go out side in cold snow and play until our noses feel like they are about to fall off. Its only as a person grows older that we don't like it so much and on occasions darn out right hate the stuff.

For me, it comes down to driving in it that's a nightmare. The older I get the more I fear it. My life seems to revolve around what I do and if I do it because its going to snow or not. I don't think it would be so bad if the roads were kept better, but that's something that's out of my control too. People drive like idiots when it snows, I think its called the 4wheel drive syndrome. Those with 4wdr think they are indestructible and can go any where, those of us without, well we know better and hate to see the 4wdr'er coming our speeds the slippery roads don't warrant, and talking or texting on their cel phones to boot. There should be a law!

This week has been excruciatingly cold. Now there is cold and then there is cold. Its been COLD. the other morning I got up and it was -40. Neither of our cars would start. It seems that its a really good idea to check to see if it has a block heater before you buy it...but who thinks of that when its summer? Well we didn't, and N is a mechanic for Pete's

So N called around and finally found someone out in our neck of the woods that could boost us, but not until 1pm, so he missed half a days work..and I couldn't drive J up to the bus stop and I'll be darned if I was going to walk up and stand in that cold! Wasn't going to J missed a day of school, which I was surprised that someone in their infinite wisdom at the school board thought it was a good idea to send the kids to school...

Poor Brandy, she is 15 now and going deaf and partially blind, she had to go out to pee but the cold was so bad she couldn't walk back to the house, N had to go out and pick her up and carry her back inside. She just sat on the mat and whimpered so I picked her up and held her on my lap in front of the heater for a few minutes..let her thaw out.

The rest of the week wasn't much better, it was -30, -35,-36.. enough is enough already.

N called around and he can get a block heater for his car,,,but for some reason they don't make one for mine. When foreign cars are being sold in Canada, shouldn't they take into account the fact that we have very cold weather? hmmm only makes sense to me..but then I'm I woman, and we think about things like

We were suppose to go skating this afternoon in Oromocto with B,D and F..but when the snow started early in the morning that put an end to those plans. Did you know that skating isn't like riding a do forget how to skate if you haven't done it for years. Like 20+ years...

J skates better than I

I spent last night cooking a big pot of chili and then a pot of clam chowder. They always taste better if they sit a day in the fridge and thought I could save some time by cooking both last night. The whole idea was to just go skating and then we could just reheat the chili and have a bowl and a roll for dinner. Turned out I could of cooked one of them today since I did nothing and still had some energy left.

Energy is a rare commodity. I usually drain out around 2pm and can fall asleep at the drop of the hat. If I get an hours sleep, then I'm good till about 10 or 11pm and then I'm asleep again. I use to know when I was going to fall asleep, you know...your head starts to bob a couple of time, and then next thing you know its Not any more. I can be scrolling through the tv guide on screen and next thing I know its morning and N tells me I did it again. He will be sitting there waiting for me to change screens and when it takes too long he looks over and I'm sleeping with the remote still pointed at the tv. Lately though he is snooring by 8pm and then wakes up at 3am turns the tv off and goes to bed...its not a contest to see who falls asleep faster, but it should

When they say that Lupus can cause extreme fatigue, they arn't kidding. Its serious. Its also anoying. When your used to being on the go all the time and then to have to stop and rest and have a nap because your mind won't function and your body won't comply with your commands...crips..makes you feel like an old old person way before your time. I still can't get use to that change in my life.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Where did 2 yrs go?

Not sure where two years I'm sure they happened, I just didn't remember about this blog... so I will have to try to fill you in on two years in one post.

Lets see, JJ is now 7. He has always been a handfull and was diagnosed with "Aspergers Syndrome", which in a way was a relief. I knew that he wasn't acting "normal" but didn't know what was wrong. Now that we know, he went thru some therapy, and it helped a lot. He no longer has his "melt downs" every maybe once or twice a month, and they are much lighter and shorter in duration. He is still afraid of change or anything new or different that comes up and throws off his routine. I started making lists of things for him "to do" and crossing them off the list each day seems to help keep him grounded. 

The strange thing about Aspergers is, because he is so intelligent, you forget that his brain is short wired somewhere and you just expect him to be able to not act out...follow direction, do simple tasks like brush his hair and teeth without supervision..but it doesnt' work out that way though. We both have learned a lot along the way dealing with this. And I fully expect we will hopefully be learning more on how to deal with this.

Health wise, I have had my ups and downs..but that is to be expected I guess. I gained weight with the prednisone and haven't been able to get it off. I am going thru menopause and my thyroid has slowed down to a crawl. I have had episodes where my heart feels like its pounding out of my chest, and then times when it feels like its skipping. Not good feelings mind you. But I take each day as it come. I have been into hospital a couple of times because of heart and breathing problems, but all the test show nothing to warrant the way I feel. It will last for a week or so and then it will pass. I guess thats a good thing, but wish they could tell me why.

B and F had a baby boy "Dylan" Sept 2007 and he is such a happy boy. She had a terrible pregnancy, ended up in the hospital a couple of time because of dehydration...puking her guts out almost 24/7 for months. She really lucked out with this child though, he is calm and a joy to be around. Of course you can ask me if I still feel that way once the terrible 2's
They are due to have another some time in July this year, I'm expecting it to be another boy.** Side note, they had a beautiful baby girl July 11/09 and named her Emily Elizabeth my first gr.daughter..yeah!**

N changed jobs in 2006 but the boss was a complete nut case and he went back to work where he previously was.. even though he says he's getting too old to turn wrenches so I guess he is starting to feel like 51 .

S and the other two J's moved out west from Sept to Dec 2008 and then came back here. JC started school and is doing ok. That just leaves JD to start this Sept and S won't have any kids home during the day. Hopefully she gets out and finds a job so she will feel better about herself..

So that catches ya how was that for the condensed version... now on with the new year 2009!