Sunday, March 10, 2013

Lifes unexpected turns

Since my last post in August so  much has changed for JJ and I. My relationship with N was falling apart over the last two years. I put on a happy face and tried to make it work, but the damage he had done was not something that could be repaired. Especially when he refused to go for counseling.

I had discovered that he was having "hook up" sex with anyone and everyone he could, most of this happening while he was suppose to be working.  That revelation opened up the flood gates of "now that's the reason why" moments.  He was always secretive, never revealed anything about himself and generally a non talker.  This can now be explained, because if he didn't talk then he couldn't get caught in  any lies.  

Omission is the same as lying.

 I discovered that he has no conscience, no moral compass and honestly thinks its acceptable to have sex with either sex outside of a relationship. AS long as it makes him happy..kind of like a 16 yr old boy..he never grew up to act like a man.

When we first started dating he had a profile on a dating site and it was listed under "long term,dating,intimate encounter".  When I asked about it, he said he clicked on the wrong setting and didn't know how to change it.  Yeah, I believed it but it stuck in the back of my mind.  
He would leave our dates early,(because I wouldn't have sex right away with him) so he would leave at like 9pm and say he was going home.  I called a couple of times, but he wasn't answering the phone, so where was he...not the excuses he gave me, but now I know he was meeting someone from the hook up sex sites.

Two months  into to our relationship and he had given me a sexually transmitted disease.  He told me so I could get treated, and I should of ended the relationship right then... man was I stupid!  He had his "hockey and golf time", which I was not invited to be involved in.  That was his "guy" time.  Well, guy time equals cheating time, something that he had been doing for over 25 years.  His lifestyle was very selfish, something that kept eating at me and eroding away at our relationship.

Now after almost 11 years in this relationship with N, I had enough.  He went away on a "golf" trip and when he came back home 3 days later, I told him to move out.  It was a decision I had been trying to make for two years.  Not working and having a child with a disability to look after was weighing on my mind.  But being with someone who makes you feel alone 24/7 can't be any worse than actually being alone.  I was a strong woman, who had raised two daughters on my own, so I knew with the right mind set, I could raise JJ on my own as well.

So after pushing N to go look at apartments for almost a week  that I had looked up for him, he came home one night and said he rented an apartment.  Personally I think he moved right in with someone, because even his phone number is under someone elses name...but I'm not surprised by that.  He was only separated from his first wife a month and a half when he moved in with me.  He doesn't know how to do anything for himself, so moving in with someone so they can cook, clean and do his laundry... is his pattern. I never got invited to his place when we were dating, I got to see it for the first time when he sold it and wanted to move some pieces of furniture in to my place. His home was a complete dump!

So when I asked him to move out,I wrote up a list and we split the pots pans, utensils.. pretty much everything. I lost out when it came to furniture, of which I paid half of everything. He took my hospital bed and beautiful metal frame,because he needed something to have sex on, I told him I wanted it back when he bought a regular bed so I would have something to sleep on. For now I sleep in the recliner. I bought a sofa and recliner, scrounged up a table and chairs. I got to keep jj's bedroom stuff and my dresser!

JJ was upset by the changes, which I expected to happen.  He cried when his papa moved out, and the first time he saw him again after, he cried again in the privacy of his room.  Overall, he took it much better than I thought he would.  I was prepared for a few melt downs, some behaviour problems, but I guess by me staying calm and non chalant about the split up, it helped JJ. 

I tried to sell the house from September until last month with out an agent, but then decided to list the house so we can split the proceeds and JJ and I can move on with a new home and a new life.  Now that its March, the market will start to pick up and I am hoping that it sells fast.

All the stress has cause me to flair a bit and my blood pressure is up quite high, thankfully its not a full blown flair and I am monitoring the blood pressure daily.  I did go to the Dr. and get tested for every possible sexually transmitted disease plus hepatitis and HIV.  Luckily all the tests were negative. So I do know that once the house sells, and JJ and I are all settled into a new place my health will go back into calm mode.  For now, I take each day as it comes.

Have I learned its imperative to listen to my gutt... you bet.  Do I feel that I wasted 11 years..yes but its no big deal, he isn't worth thinking about all the what if's.... he is someone elses problem now and they can have him ,although I do feel sorry for them. I just know  I'm strong, I will come out ahead!

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