Death comes knocking

Aug 20/05

I haven't written in a few days. Mom has given up it seems, and she was moved to Palliative care. She won't take her medication, she wouldn't eat, she just closed her eyes and stopped interacting with everyone. Was she trying to prove she was right, that once she got to palliative she would die?

It was hard to go in and spend hours at a time, sitting by her bed, looking at the woman who gave birth to me, lie there. She didn't interact anymore. Questions, not answered by her because she no longer talked. Did she want to give up? Did she really not want to live any more? Was she content with the time she had spent with us here? Did she want to go see Dad now?

Her family surrounding her bed, friends there to lend support and love, but she slipped away from us. She is up there with Dad, I know he was there waiting for her, he always said he would "keep his foot in the door for her"... He took her hand, they kissed, and then Dad took her to go visit with everyone waiting on the other side. Its awful to have to let her go, but I know she was happy to see Ron, Dad and Nanna again...she had a lot to catch them up on. But I miss her.

Mothers and Daughters

My mother and I have always had a very strange relationship. In my younger days I was the "blacksheep" in the family so to speak. I was the one who hang out with the wrong crowd, drank, smoked....did some light drugs.
I wasn't into any hard drugs at all. It was the 70's, so my friends and I smoked some weed. Some really good weed, mind you, but by the age of 20 I had enough and thought it childish and given it all up. I had my reasons for acting this way, and some day I will be able to unburden my sole and tell. For now, well its not possible. I don't want to hurt my Mother with a secret I have been carrying since I was young.

I had continued to drink socially until this year when I was told I had to quit in order to take the meds for the Lupus. Yes I was upset. I won't lie. I enjoyed drinking socially, a couple of shots of Tequila on the weekend or if I'm PMSing then I would mix up a batch of Ceasers and sip on those. I especially miss the Ceasers...lol


Now my mother probably knew I was drinking, but I never ever drank in front of her..and it was never discussed. I knew that she didn't believe in drinking, socially or other wise...heck I was late 20's before she even saw me smoke in person. I just didn't want the lectures I guess, so I kept that part of my life, private from her. Mostly because drinking was my way of dealing with my childhood demons.


We never were ones to discuss things together, my mother and I. Oh, when I was younger we did I guess, but once the teen years hit, we had a major crisis in our family(my brother died). After that, our family structure was stressed and fractured. I grew pretty independent (moving out at 16, getting married the first time at 18 and then moving to the other side of Canada to live. Mom always seemed to lecture, to tell me what she thought, she didn't talk,and I just never bothered to tell her what I thought, I just grew silent.


And so started a lifetime of her talking, giving me her moral stance on subjects and me listening....adding nothing to the mix. I regret doing that now. I feel like I can't stand up to her. I feel that I can't say,"Mom your wrong." I never say to her, "I don't feel that way" in reality I feel like I am being railroaded now in every conversation I have with her. I feel like I have no voice.


The problem with that now, is that I see myself doing the same thing with my own daughters. I am just as opinionated as my mother is. I hear the same uncomfortable silence sometimes on the other end of the phone when I'm taking to my daughters when I tell them how I feel about a decision they have made in their life.... Its the same uncomfortable silence that my mother hears when I call her.


Sometimes they will speak up, and I bite my tongue. I'm really trying to listen to them more... I'm trying to break the cycle of silence. I want them to make their own mistakes, to fall on their own face and pick themselves up and brush themselves off and carry on.
I don't want them to stop talking to me, like I have stopped talking to my mother. I want to continue to share the same good moral balance that my mother taught me, but I want them to be able to stand up and voice their own opinions without feeling like they will be judged. Being judged by your mother has to be the worst feeling in the world..


I'm reflecting because my mother is in the hospital now. She has been deteriorating a lot this past year. Her health is not good. Mom seems to dwell so much on her health problems and not enough on life itself. 
Most people are afraid to ask "How are you", for fear of the answer they will get. Her demands on my brother and myself are tiring but its our duty to look after her. Her conversations now are depressing to those that listen. I would like nothing more than to be able to say, "Mom enjoy your life, look at what you have", but I can't.


The Dr. has suggested that Mom be admitted to the hospital and when I went in to see her today the new thing is that for some reason she has decided to stop taking her meds.
Now besides the obvious that she needs them... it also sends a message to the nursing staff and her Dr. that she is giving up. They want to move her from the ward, to palliative care.


She is really upset by this, but neither my brother D nor I can convince her that if she wants to get better and go back home(and avoid palliative care) she must take her meds, eat three times a day and try to move around. She can't just lie there and do nothing. This information seems to be lost on her. I leave the hospital and cry all the way home each day.


I'm hoping that tomorrow she will snap out of it , I'm hoping that she hasn't given up and that her decision does not lead to her own demise. We may not talk like I would like, but she is my Mother, and even if it sounds selfish on my part,,,I still want her to be here. I don't want her to give up. I'm not ready to let my Mother go, I'm not ready to live without her in my life....

Calendar, calendar on the wall

Calendar, calendar on the wall..Tell me what I must do today... 


What would we do without a calendar. Personally I would be lost. My life seems to evolve around Dr. appointments and physio and keeping track of meds.
Every day on my calendar for this month has something written on it except the lst and the 15th.


How these two days got so lucky to be blank...I'm not quite sure, but I bet its just human error...lol

Blood tests

Had to get up this morning and try to shower, ouch...ugh....oh lord it hurts to move. I drove myself into the hospital for blood work today. It was difficult to do, more so than I thought it would be. Reaction time is slower than normal, but I have to get some independance back.


The Admitting Dept told me that I am set up to come in on Mondays and Wednesdays for tests and that I will have extra blood and a urine test done once a month. It seems that the methotrexate will damage my liver,,, go figure... something else to worry about!


Blood is up to 3.5 so Dr. called and she is reducing my warfarin to 8mg day. She said its comon to fluxuate for the first few months.

Home again

July 6/05

It felt so good to come home. I'm uneasy that they didn't re-scan my lung to make sure that the clot is gone, in some ways I still feel like a walking time bomb. Maybe that feeling will go away. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow for blood test and then twice a week until it becomes somewhat regular. The reading is suppose to be between 2 and 3 right now its 2.1 and I am on 10mg of warfarin a day.


Very good to see the dogs and cats, I think everyone's tail was wagging... I know mine was. LOL


N said that JJ was having a hard time going to bed, I think its because his schedule has been all messed up with me in the hospital and him and N coming in for visits.

I still feel exhausted, that seems to almost be a permanent symptom since January. I'm tired of feeling tired, I so want to be that energetic person again.

Sprung

July 5/05

I'm so happy, today the doctor let me come home. I quickly packed my bags and with perscription in hand N wheels me down to the hospital front door. JJ wants to try out the wheel chair so I let him climb up on my lap. I lean in and smell his hair and give the back of his neck a kiss. Its amazing what you miss about a child when you don't have them in your company for a week. He keeps me grounded, if it wasn't for the fact that I have to be there for him, I think I might of gave up when the pain was really bad. Can a child give you hope and make you want to live.... Yes !

Take my breath away

June28/05


I am getting so tired of this pain in my lungs. I have now been on two different anibiotics for pneumonia and its not getting any better. Personally I don't think its pneumonia, I've have it before and I don't remember ever feeling like this! I would love to just be able to lie down for a whole night. hmmmm, I think I remember what a full nights sleep is like....no maybe not. LOL


Went into family Dr. today, she sent me right over to the hospital for more tests. I think I will glow in the dark if they take anymore xrays of me...LOL First it was a ultra sound on my leg, since I have had some unexplained throbbing pain. Then it was for blood work, then I limped over to the other side of the hospital for a CT scan with dye. I limped back over to the other side of the hospital again by the ER department to wait for the results.


A nurse comes out of the admitting room doorway with a wheel chair and told me to sit down. I looked at her puzzled,,, "why sit down" I asked her... I mean I just spent the last 3hours walking from one end of this hospital to the other.... "Please, just sit down and I will explain it to you" she replied.


I sat, she wheeled me into a cubicle... layed my chart on the bed and said "the Dr. will be right in". She turns and leaves...I'm nervous now!


JJ has been a jem despite the fact that we have been in the "boring hospital" all day. He crawls up on the bed, I sit tapping my fingers on the arms of the wheel chair.


The Dr. comes in and picks up my chart. "We are going to admit you", he announces... "Right now" I ask? "Yes", he replies... "right now".


It seems that my 3 months with lung pain hasn't been pneumonia at all but a blood clot in my lung. Thats right, a blood clot. I could of dropped dead and they wouldn't have known why! My mind is going a mile a minute. Inside, I'm upset, I'm mad! But I keep it together, I have plans to make.


I mean I have a 4yr old with me, N is at work... I pick up the phone and call my yougest daughter. She is just getting off work. She comes over and pickes up JJ and takes him with her for a while till N gets off work. I then call N at work and explain to him what is going on. He agrees to pick up JJ from B, go home and pack me a bag and come back into town and see me at the hospital.


I get settled into a room, semi private and the TV is already hooked up... bonus. The next two days are anything but pleasant. Liquid blood thinners are shot into my stomach every few hours and blood tests every day to see how well it is being thinned out. By day 4 they switch me to just pills Warfarin, aka..rat poison,,blood thinner.... I will be on them for the rest of my life. I have yet another product of Lupus, its called "Hughes syndrome" or sticky blood. http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/antiphospholipid.htm My doctor explained it like your blood is thick and resembles cottage cheese with caramel sauce on it, it just doesn't flow like its supose to.


My brother comes in and we get talking about this whole blood thing. He tells me that he had some strange antibody show up in his blood work a few years back. It was called "anticardiolipin" antibodies, and he tells me to ask my Dr if that is what I have. I write it down and sit it on my nite stand. In the morning during "rounds" I inquire about the antibody and she promiced to check on it.


I try to get comfortable and push the "up" button to raise my head up some more in the hopes of releiving the pressure on my lung when I breath. It seems like its no use, the constant throbbing when I take a breath is always there. I turn on the tiny TV and try to focus on something else, maybe some mindless game show will take my mind off my pain. I don't do hospitals well. Probably the "control" issue thing, when your in the hospital you don't have much control over anything that goes on. I just want to go home, I need a magic wand and get better faster than what is happening. I miss cuddling with N, I miss J telling me he loves me twenty times a day, I miss my animals... Please let me go home....

But you don't look sick !

Can someone please explain that statement to me. If I hear that one more time I am going to smash someone in the face.

Come on people, is there a specific way that someone is suppose to look when they have Lupus?

Is it just ignorance to a disease that people just don't know that much about?

Well, I was sick of hearing that so the next time someone said that to me I just looked at them and asked "What am I suppose to look like?"
That seems to work, they don't know how they are suppose to answer that.

The other good one is "Well,You look good".
My reply to that is, I'm glad I look better than I feel!"

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... ok done venting... thanks for listening!

Communication , depression and faith, oh my

April 3,2005


I admit, that since I have been sick, I'm just hidden beneath the pain and depression that is almost constantly pecking away at my soul on a daily basis.


To top it off I am feeling very insecure with myself. I have become someone I do not want to be which is "dependent" on someone else. I have always prided myself in being independent, always held a job worked full time and took care of my children.. and paid my bills. I took care of everyone else! Now I no longer feel like I have the strength to go to work, exhaustion is excruciating, fatigue is constant and draining. What do I do with myself if I can't work, who am I NOW?


I was in control of myself and being a typical Virgo type personality, yes I am in some ways a control freak. Of course having OCD doesn't help much either...lol
I like to know what and when things are going to happen. With Lupus, I have lost that control factor. I now have become a shell of my former self.
I don’t know who I am each day until my eyes open and I take my first steps and see what the pain level is.
Will I be able to take a shower and raise my arms up high enough to wash my hair and then style it with a blowdryer?
Will I be able to sweep the floor, do up some dishes or even walk upstairs without being out of breath and tired to the point that I just want to curl up and go to sleep?


I cry everyday. I feel trapped in a body that is foreign and unforgiving. I am scared, of the future, of the unknown.


I no longer feel secure with whom I am. Is the relationship with N strong enough, we haven't been together that long. Will I become an inconvenience to him? Will my disease become too much for him to handle and in the end make him wish that he was with someone else and not me?


Such negative thoughts, always creeping in lately! Me the ultimate believer that I can conquer all, have lost my edge in this battle.


Faith, I have lost faith in myself, and thus have lost some faith in his ability to love me. Maybe its because we dont have a long history together. Maybe its because N is not the type of man to reach out and touch my hand and say "Sue, nothing will break my love for you, or We will be together forever regardless of what life will throw at us". Sometimes I miss those words of security, love and tenderness.


Communication, that is hard for him, hard for us as a couple. We get along so well, we do not argue or fight. We have a very good comfort level together, but we do not really talk! We talk about our day, we talk about some tv show..but we don't talk about how we "feel" about things or what we believe in. The things that we all like to hear. They never get said. That in its self is sad. When do we say them, when the person is dead and we are standing over their casket? Are we supposed to go to our graves with regrets? I dont want to, I want him to know how much he means to me now while he is alive. Why should that be so hard to convey our thougts to someone we love?


Depression is gaining on me. I dont like it, not one bit. Control issue again.(laugh) Im not a "down" person, no one would ever describe me that way. Heck I am the one who always finds something positive about every situation, I always find something funny in everything. Thats what people would say about me, I think. This negative nelly , well she is foreign to me, and not very likeable to say the least. Maybe its just from the pain, lack of sleep and being so disabled for the past four months that has me depressed. I know it is honestly wearing me down. Maybe I will have to talk to the Dr. about it, maybe feeling this way is normal. Too many questions and not enough answers!


I do know that life as I knew it no longer exists. Life as N knew it no longer exists. Somehow the two of us have to find our place in this new life, one that we can both be happy with.

Just can't breath

March 27/05- I woke again in really bad pain just under my breast on the right hand side. It’s so bad I can’t breath properly. I have to take tiny little breaths to get some air. I’m scared that the Lupus has now affected my lungs. I’ve spent another wrestless night sitting upright on the sofa, unable to sleep just passing out in 15 minute intervals. 


When N woke up I tell him I think we should go to the hospital. I hate the hospital, so I know I must be feeling bad to even suggest going in. N suggests packing a bag in case they tell me I have to stay and I reluctantly go pack one. JJ is going to his mothers for Easter so that frees us up for a few hours.. but I pack a bag for him as well, just in case he has to stay with her while I am in the hospital.


Fortunately we are taken right into an exam room. N said that the nurse wrote down “no breath sounds on right side” after the initial exam; so I guess that helped speed things up. Our hospital is famous for 12-18hrs waits in the ER to see a Dr. I avoided that today with my symptoms.

The Dr had an attitude problem or certainly rubbed me the wrong way with his questions. He was more interested in giving me a shot of narcotic than anything else. I refused to take what ever it was he was trying to push due to my allergies and told him I could handle the pain, that’s not what I was there for. I wanted to know what was causing the pain!


He orders a chest x-ray. Again he offers me oxycodone, or morphine. Again I declined.


After it was done they left me sitting in the hallway with the x-rays on my lap in a big brown envelope. I peaked. The right side was almost white, the left dark. I’m not sure what its suppose to be all dark or all light, but having one side different than the other, well I don’t think this is a good sign.


Dr. comes back in and says “I think its pneumonia, it looks like pneumonia”. His confidence does not overwhelm me at this moment. He gives me a prescription for antibiotic and sends me home. Total time in ER 3 hrs. Now I think that is a record! Unfortunately, I've had pneumonia before and I just don't feel like this is what I have now. I'm hope resting

Am I feeling better yet?

March 15/05- I am still nauseous and basically just not feeling very well on this new medication. My bowel movements are still liquefied frequent and gold in colour. My urine is also a strange yellow colour and the odor has changed. I can’t find any information on if this is normal or not. I certainly don’t feel normal in any respect.


I really am trying not to complain to much about how I am feeling, there is nothing worse than a person whining all the time about their health. I am still taking the prednisone, and my face is changing shape. At first I thought it was just my foggy eyes looking at an unfamiliar face in the mirror. But its not, it really is me. Well the voice sounds like me. lol
I don't like the changes and even though I don't have any appetite I look bloated all over. I am gaining weight. Oh lord, just what I need!


March 22/05 – I looked up Methotrexate on the net today what a chore that was. Just trying to sit and type with these fingers that just don't want to move as fast as I want them to! I think I have been transformed into an 80 yr old woman in three short months. Anyway I found that Ibuprofen shouldn’t be taken at the same time as this drug. I am taking eight pills a day! Why would the Dr. not tell me this? Is this why I am feeling so bad since I started taking this drug?


I have decided to stop taking the Ibuprofen and just take the acetaminophen and see if that makes a difference after my dose of Methotrexate on Saturday. I don’t like the idea of not taking the Ibuprofen because I don’t find that acetaminophen cuts through the pain at all with me, but I don’t find I have any choice at this point. I have to find a way to take Methotrexate and be able to function during the day at the same time.


I have a life to lead, I have a 5yr old child to look after. Luckily he is old enough to be a little help to me... but I am the adult, I have to be the one to make sure his needs are being met, and that means I don't have time to be wallowing in my self pity! 

Home from Hospital

Feb 23/05 – The Dr. sprung me from the hospital today. I find I am just crying all the time. He said its from the prednisone.... oh goody!
I feel better being home, it cuts down on the amount of running around that N will have to do. I'm going to continue to go to Physio two times a week, I'm not sure if its the prednisone working or the ultra sound and laser that they use on me in physio...but I can bend a few joints.


Dr. H wants me to start taking the Methotrexate tonite at bed time. I am to take six small pills once a week for the rest of my life..




Feb 24/05 - I took my first dose of Methotrexate last nite. Its 3am and I am sick to my stomach and have diarrhea so bad its like water gushing from a well. My legs and feet feel foreign, like they don’t belong on my body. My feet are tingly and swell if I keep them in the down position, my legs are taking spasms every few minutes and I have to talk myself out of having a panic attack. I beg for sleep to take over and let me wake feeling better.

Diagnosis

Feb 14th &15/05 –Well Dr. H says that its conclusive that I have Lupus. I sat there stunned and aprehensive about what my life will be like in the future. With all my symptoms, the blood work, the xrays, the CT scan.... well it has a name now. Its no longer a monster. Its name is Lupus.


I try to focus on what he is telling us. N looks as worried as I do. The Dr. hands me a book to read called "Lupus: the disease with a thousand faces". He gives us a run down on what the treatment will be for now. More prednisone for the time being, and a drug called methotrexate will be added soon. I still have to continue to take the ibuprofen and Tylonol. I know I will be calling T and asking her to look up methotrexate on the internet for me.


Dr. H is worried about the shortness of breath so he is admitting me to the hospital, I have to go home and pack a bag. N has been a godsend, picking up the pieces and doing things around the house. He doesn’t complain, but I know he must be tired and stressed out. He works all day and then comes home and has to get a meal ready  and now he will have to come into the hospital and visit with me. How is this affecting him? Would he tell me if it was getting to be too much for him to handle?


The lung tests show that I can breath in ok, but that my breathing out is not what it should be. The xray doesn’t show anything conclusive, maybe a slight amount of damage from the Lupus or past years of smoking, but they aren’t sure on that either. They also did some heart tests so they have something to compare to in case the Lupus starts to attack those organs in the future. What a thought, having your organs shut down or fail.

Tests and more tests

Jan 21/05 - Had xrays today, hopefully another step in finding out what is happening to me. I have a Dr.’s apt on the 14th and I am so hoping that there is an answer then. I have applied for EI sick bennifits so at least I can still pay some of my bills. I feel so bad for leaving all the financial burden on N. I have always carried my own weight. Now, not only am I dependant on him to move me, dress me I am dependant on him financially as well. I feel like half a person.... depression is setting in.

Fatigue and sadness

Jan 20/05- Everything hurts but my back, and I hope that "this" doesn't strike there. I cry most of the day from the pain. I can't walk or move, in fact just sitting still hurts. Lying down in bed makes my shoulders and hips hurt so badly its inconceivable that a person can endure this much pain and not want to kill themselves. Its such a different pain tha I have ever experienced, searing, not like a pulled muscle.Even labor is mild to this pain.


Poor N is having to do everything for me. He even has to get me dressed, when I have an appointment to go to, other than that I spend my days and nights in my nightgown. My fingers and joints just won't bend and just trying to make them do so is excruciating. Just brushing my teeth brings tears to my eyes. A shower is a luxury at this point and forget about washing my hair. Trying to get my arms up in the air is next to impossible. The good news is that being OCD I have a tendency to cut my hair all the time, now that I can't get my arms up in the air, its growing out. See there is a silver lining to everything in life.


Still no diagnosis, Dr H is looking at Gout, Arthritis, or Lupus. My family Dr. has put a referral into a Neurologist, she is leaning towards MS because of some past symptoms. Seems like the waiting list to get in though will be about a year. Nice eh?


My friend T in Toronto has also suggested that if they didn't test me for Lupus then to ask them to, she said the raspy change to my voice is a symptom. I also have had another recurrencence of this strange rash on my cheeks (of my face). It comes and goes, and has been like that for about 2 years. I had allergy tests done last year but nothing major showed up in them. Since I can't sit and type at a computer, T is being my eyes and checking out everything she can get her hands on via the internet. She is helping me stay strong mentally with phone calls and words of wisdom. I find some days are mentally worse than others, fatigue and sadness creeping in on me.


A wheel chair is now my mode of transportation when I go out. I just can't walk more than a few steps. Its horrible to be confined to this wheel chair. I'm the one who always walked two steps faster than everyone else and and now I feel like a spectical on display. I don't like people staring at me wondering "what is wrong with her". Heck I wish I knew the answer to that one myself.


Im very scared about what this is and what the prognosis will be down the road.

Off to see the specialist

Jan 11/05 – They sure didn’t waste any time getting me into a specialist. I saw Dr. H today and he sent me right over to the hospital for some blood work. I have to have more blood test and also a 24hr urine test done next week. He asked a lot of questions, the funny thing is, is that I have gone to my family Dr. for the past 2yrs with these weird symptoms. The problem is though, that the way the medicare system works here is that the Dr. bills for each office visit. So guess what, you can only go in with one symptom at a time. So unless you see all the symptoms at one time, like Dr. H is doing right now, then they don't make sense... they seem to make sense to him. Here are some of my symptoms over the years, maybe you have had them too.


*Painful joints in the knees, hands or feet-( mine started as a pain in my big toe).
*Fevers and bouts of sweating for no reason.
*Skin eruptions, as well as a butterfly rash presenting on the cheeks below the eyes and bridging the nose.- (I thought it was an alergy to something and had tests done)
*High blood pressure, - mine usually runs on the low side
*Chest pains, dry cough, shortness of breath, and rapid, violent, throbbing or fluttering pulse- (I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the ER twice in two yrs for this).
*Swollen lymph nodes and saliva glands.(had biopsy done)
*Visual problems- bright flashing zig zaging lights that obscure vission
*Cold fingers that turn white and then blueish
*Blood clot in my leg
*Bronchial pneumonia
*Rash on skin from sun exposure or florescent lights
The Dr. is nodding everytime I mention what I have been sick with or some strange symptom I have had the past two years.


What ever this is it is progressing quick quickly. I can no longer dress myself. N has been my right hand man for sure, making sure I am dressed before he leaves for work, and helping around the house when he gets home. He has really been wonderful to me and hasn’t complained about the amount of times he has to run up and down stairs for me. The fact remains that I can no longer get up and down the stairs on a regular basis.


Our house is a bit different than most. Its a two story, hip roof log house sitting along the river bank. Our main floor is the kitchen, bathroom, laundryroom, and master bedroom. Up stairs is the livingroom and JJ's (my 4yr old grandson) bedroom. Since I have been home sick, I have been spending most of my time watching TV upstairs, the problem is, that I am now stuck up here. I sleep on the sofa, in a semi-upright position since my ribs hurt to badly along with the rest of my body to lie down flat.


Since we only have one bathroom, I have resorted to peeing in a 2 liter ice cream container. I force myself to make it down stairs once a day to have a bowl movement, empty my pee bucket and make something for lunch. The round trip takes me over an hour.


The pain is something I haven’t experienced before. Ibuprofen isn’t helping and I’m pumping it into myself every 4hrs/24hrs a day. I can’t sleep and at most find my body will just pass out from the fatigue and I will wake up after dozing an hour or two at most. Dr H is putting me on Prednisone hoping to get the swelling down. He will have a diagnosis hopefully,,, when the tests come back.

After hours Clinic

Jan 8/05 – Its been a terrible week. I called in sick at work the rest of the week.
Everything hurts, knees, ankles, feet, hands, fingers. I got N to drive me to the after hours clinic today. He knows it must be bad since I hate having to sit for hours at these after hours clinics.

I am in so much pain in my joints that I just don’t understand what it is. Its like someone is sticking hot pokers into my bones. It hurts whether I'm sitting still or trying to move. I’m hopping that its some sort of flu bug that’s going around. After a 4 hour wait I get in to the on call Dr. She thinks it may be arthritis and is recommending that I go to a Rheumathologist as soon as possible. She will send in the referral Monday when the regular Dr. offices re-open.

To many thoughts are running through my head right now. I'm scared, I'm really tired since this pain has been hampering my sleep, and I'm unsure of how long I will be off work and what to tell them. I might of missed a hand full of days at my old job in 11 yrs and now I am calling in sick to by new boss! This is so unlike me. I don't get sick, if I do...I work anyway. Oh I'm praying that this is going to be a quick fix and I will be back to work fast.

A New Year... a better year?

Jan 5/05 - I called in sick today, it was so hard to move yesterday and do what I’m required to at work that I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. Five o'clock couldn't come quick enough for me. I tried to sit and work as much as possible and not stand, either way everything is huring.

My body is giving out and I don’t know why, I guess I would feel better knowing whats wrong and then just dealing with it. I like to take things “head on”, just deal with it. Fingers don’t want to work, my joints are hurting, bad. I feel like I’m 80 years old. Called the Dr's office they are still out on holidays.