Monday, January 10, 2011

Mundane Monday

Gosh its been a long time since I blogged. In all honesty I had to do some soul searching and reading back over them realized that I was getting really depressed and it became too much to continue.  The break was much needed and although I can't say that I'm totally out from under the dark cloud, I am feeling a bit better, less stressed and aware of what the later part of 2010 was for me emotionally.

Having to look after a special needs child can be depressing in itself on good days. Add to that all the daily things that can consume us, well it really can be overwhelming.  Since I have stopped blogging I have been sick and on antibiotics 3 different times.  Two lung infections that JJ brought home from school as simple colds turned on me like an elephant sitting on my chest.  Then I got a bladder infection and had to go on two rounds of antibiotics for that also.  I must say that the bladder infection for two weeks was the most painful thing, worse than labour.  The first 10days of antibiotics didn't work so I had to be perscribed something else for another 10 days. By the second week I got to the point where I stop drinking any fluids because I was afraid to have to go pee, it is beyond describing pain wise.  Living with an autoimmune disease really does suck.  I have been off antibiotics for almost two weeks and I am so hoping that when JJ goes back to school tomorrow he doesn't drag in some new virus for me to catch.

Winter so far has been mild, so mild we didn't have any snow on Christmas day at all.  Since then the coldest day has been around -14 with the wind chill and we now have around a foot of snow on the ground but all the roads are clear and the days are still mild. I have to say this is really unusual for the east coast of Canada and since I'm not a winter fan, I have enjoyed it so far.

Our Christmas was pretty good, but they aren't "family gatherings" anymore because there are people who are important in my life missing from the festivities. I put my tree up early, decorated the house and really made an effort to get some holiday cheer going. JJ doesn't really get excited until Christmas eve and Christmas day and I fear this year may have been the last for believing in "Santa".  But there was something missing I just couldn't deny. I miss my youngest daughter and two youngest gr.children so much this year it just isn't amusing any more.  I think this is the main vein to my depressed feelings.  I am missing out on all the little things, the day to day things that a gr.parent treasures with all their heart.  When I see little ones around the same age as D and E at the store or mall, I still, 6 months later, find my eyes welling up with tears.  I was looking forward to them coming home for a visit this coming September but now find out that isn't going to happen.  All I could do was cry.  My brother and sister-in-law went away again this Christmas on a cruise so they were missing too.  It just seems like since my parents have passed away, no one makes a real effort to stay together for the holidays. 

When I was raising my two girls I wanted to move back out west, I had fallen in love with the water and mountains and this didn't feel like home anymore.  I only stayed here because I couldn't take my children away from my parents, I couldn't deny them the right to see their gr.children grow up.  I knew that they wouldn't be around forever and it was important that they shared my childrens lives.  It was important that my girls knew who their gr.parents were, that they felt loved and surrounded by others who would make them feel valued and special and a part of a larger family unit than just me. It was important that they could take them for drives on Sundays, take them out to dinner or help them put up their Christmas tree, or go ring their door bell on Halloween. 

I know it was very important to my parents, I know that they appreciated that I put my life on hold so they could share the lives of their gr.children.  Somehow I missed instilling some of those feelings and values to my daughters and I'm not getting to enjoy the gr.children like I so long to and my heart aches.  Its the younger years that really matter, when they get older I will be nothing more than an old lady who smells funny and can't remember their names.  Past the age of 10 they will have their activities, their friends and I won't be as important to spend time with. As it is now, they won't have any good memories of me except that of a woman on the other end of the phone who says "I love you" choking back tears.  They won't feel my arms around them in a warm hug, they won't be able to go for an imprompt to car rid and grab an ice cream cone at the local DQ, or have sleep overs. Do I sound selfish, probably to some, do I apologize for that, no,,not at all.. we all have things that are important to us. To me its my gr.children, so don't tell me to get over it.

My daughters are young they have their whole lives ahead of them.  Everytime I get sick I know that its another notch out of my time line, and makes me very aware of what I am missing.  I personally don't think that wanting to share my lives for the first 8-10 yrs is too much to ask for, one day my daughters will understand that..I hope... in the mean time I plug through the days, I try not to think about them so the sadness doesn't consume me. I try not to think about what they are doing, what they are experiencing, what they are learning , how their looks are changing and most of all that I am missing it all. 

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