Brandy's gone

Today is difficult.. When she looks at me, its like she knows why tears well up in my eyes.  I am so glad she is deaf, because she can't hear me cry.  I have an appointment for 6pm at the Vets to have her put down.  I am of course wavering on my decision, but I know that in the end.. its the right decision for her. Its just going to be so hard  to watch her go.

I fought so hard to bring her back from being sick last year, but looking back, I did it for me, not for her. I was being selfish because I didn't want to face life without her in it.  She is now 17 and her health is getting worse than ever.  We have to pick her up and put her on the bed because jumping is just not possible for her, her joints hurt her so much.  She is barely eating anything, some days she doesn't eat at all and will sleep most of the day, only going out to use the bath room once or twice.  She is throwing up at least once a day and that's not a good sign.  The Vet says its time to let her go...

Got back from the Vets office a couple of hours ago, it was a horrible experience.  They had a hard time to find a vein and ended up poking her twice to get a central line in.  She kept looking up at me, unable to hear my calm voice trying to reassure her that everything was ok.  Tears pouring down my cheeks, and when the needle went into the central line she stared at me . I had to hold her for half an hour while the seditive took effect.  I sat there hugging and crying her big brown eyes struggling to stay open.  Then the Vet came in and gave her the final dose,,, I sobbed as her life slipped away from her and away from me.  Seventeen years of being a wonderful, funny, loving dog... gone in a matter of minutes.  Now all I have left is her memories and her collar.

Mindy is no longer banished to the upstairs living room. She ran down the stairs, her little stumpy tail stuck straight out all defensive like, waiting for a fight with Brandy.  She runs to our bedroom where Brandy use to sleep, she stands up on her hind legs her front paws on the dogie gate trying to see the bed and see Brandy... but she isn't there...  she looks up at me wondering where she is.. She whines at the gate, she knows something is wrong but not quite sure what has happened.  Life is going to be emptier without Brandy in it...

Death comes knocking

Aug 20/05

I haven't written in a few days. Mom has given up it seems, and she was moved to Palliative care. She won't take her medication, she wouldn't eat, she just closed her eyes and stopped interacting with everyone. Was she trying to prove she was right, that once she got to palliative she would die?

It was hard to go in and spend hours at a time, sitting by her bed, looking at the woman who gave birth to me, lie there. She didn't interact anymore. Questions, not answered by her because she no longer talked. Did she want to give up? Did she really not want to live any more? Was she content with the time she had spent with us here? Did she want to go see Dad now?

Her family surrounding her bed, friends there to lend support and love, but she slipped away from us. She is up there with Dad, I know he was there waiting for her, he always said he would "keep his foot in the door for her"... He took her hand, they kissed, and then Dad took her to go visit with everyone waiting on the other side. Its awful to have to let her go, but I know she was happy to see Ron, Dad and Nanna again...she had a lot to catch them up on. But I miss her.