Friday, May 02, 2014

Quite the year

Its almost been a year since J and I moved. I'm still single after two years, and very content. I tried the on line dating thing, cause lets face it where do you meet a man these days?  Lets just say that the men on these sites are worse or pretty much the same as the man I got rid of, so why get involved with that all over again! I am relaxed and happy living single, no BS to put up with, no lies to sort through every minute of every day..oh you just have no idea how free I feel.

J had a rough patch though. Anxiety due to bullying at school brought him to his knees. It became impossible for him to go to school just before Christmas break and as it progressed he was unable to go to the mall, movie theater or even the corner store with me.  It froze this life, leaving him only comfortable in our home and his room.

I reached out to mental health, but was told because he has aspergers they had no one trained to deal with him. No one in the whole province! I must admit, I got angry and told the woman he was having issues with anxiety, not something specifically related to aspergers, but that argument got me nowheres. I got on the internet and researched as much as I could find on anxiety, I tried what was suggested, but it was out of my reach to help him.
I then called the Dr who diagnosed him, and begged for help. He got in to see her within 2 weeks which was fantastic because she is booked a couple years in advance. After talking with him and seeing how paralyzed he had become, she prescribed fluoxetine 5mg liquid to start for two weeks then a 10mg capsule.  

After 2 weeks J was able to walk into the school alone, as far as the office to pick up his homework.  Might not sound like much, but it was a massive accomplishment! After another week, we met with the guidance counselor and set up a "get back to school" routine that J thought he could manage.  They were very accommodating, setting him pick how he wanted to integrate back.  J wanted to do two periods in the morning in the guidance room, for a week, then three periods the next week, and so on until he was up to five periods, then he would try to actually go back into his class room.  To my surprise after the first week in the guidance room, J decided to go back to his classroom.!

The medication had reduced his anxiety to the point that he felt comfortable enough to go back and interact with his classmates again, something that had become unbearable for two months, now was just a distant memory. He delt with the questions " where have you been", "how come you have been gone for so long" in his own way, a simple " if I tell you, I'll have to kill you" response, and it worked, they stopped asking.  The second week back to school he even attended a school dance. J got his life back.

The bullying seems to have stopped as well, even though I was vigilant before in asking about his day, now I've gotten more word specific and ask if he is having any problems with people bugging him, teasing him, or out right bullying him. If anyone is making him feel uncomfortable or making him feel anxious again. Being word specific is very important in dealing with a person with aspergers. It takes practice to get the right words to get them to tell you things they otherwise wouldn't disclose. It's an evolving process.

He is a much different child, outgoing, friendly, talkative and funny. The medication has brought out a side of him that has never been present before. He is social like I've not seen before. He has a confidence about him now, he talks about his future what he dreams of doing. He wants to be a police officer and has even looked up the college, how much it would cost and where he could live while attending.  He is only 12 and maybe he will change his mind the older he gets, but for him to be looking forward is a big thing.

Came across this today and it was a good read.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

We moved!

I am so far behind again on my blog. The house sold in June, we took a horrible loss. We sold it for five thousand more than what we had paid, then we put twenty five thousand into the house with it was a disappointment to say the least!  But they are a  nice young couple and it means I no longer have to have any contact with N!! That is soooo nice.
Then it was a two week close, so I was super rushed to find a place for JJ and I to live, get all the utilities changed over and then, oh yeah..pack!! I literally got the only place left on the market that I could afford to buy.  It is older, but has been remodeled with gyprocked walls new flooring and windows, so I snapped it up.

So how do you pack up a 3 bdrm bungalow with a basement to fit into a 2 bdrm mobile home? You sell and give a lot of stuff away.. I am still trying to unpack even today, as I just don't have the same storage here as at the house. My bedroom is still filled with three large chest high boxes and about 10 tote bins, 5 of which are filled with photographs. Every pic I have taken or have been given are in those totes. I have come to the conclusion that I should scan them all and put them on  disc's.  Luckily I don't have a bed, because I have no idea where it would go at this

As soon as we moved in, I had to get my  nieces husband J to put together some cupboards and install a counter top so I could unpack the kitchen stuff.  What was here for a kitchen was a  joke. A tiny piece of counter top, sink, another piece of counter top, a spot for my stove and then and even smaller counter top. 6 top cupboards, 1 drawer and 5 lower cupboards and no place for my  now I have a workable U shaped kitchen and everything unpacked nicely.  My second investment was a second a/c unit. I forgot how hot mobile homes get in our humid summers.

My body didn't throw me too many curves, I knew that packing and added stress would make me sore, and it did, but on the up side, I also lost 15 pounds.  I'm hoping that the momentum continues because I really need to loose about 35 more pounds to be at a much lower healthier weight.  JJ handled the move like a trooper, although he really is a lazy kid and hated to help me move a  such a typical 11 yr old I guess, but when pushed he did help out, especially when I would suddenly burst into tears, just so overwhelmed with doing everything myself..

He has a friend from school who lives the next street over and I am going to go speak to his mother and see if she wants to car pool the kids to school.  He really wants to keep going to the same middle school, and we are out of district now for that school, but can get special permission to go there as long as he is driven. It seems a waste of gas, for both of us to be driving our kids in separate cars all year long. She has an Suv type vehicle and I am really hating winter driving more and more as I get older, so I'm hoping  she will agree to do Nov-Mar and I will do Sept+Oct and Apr-June..good deal for her since she has a baby and won't have to get him up and dressed and strapped into a car seat every day.  Its only for two school yrs, after that they can take the bus to the only high school for our area.

Moving schools is so hard on kids with Aspergers, unable to make friends easily it is so stressful for them and that is something I would like to avoid if possible. He has his 2-3 friends at this middle school already so it would be best to keep him there.

Well, I should get back to unpacking another box or two today, they sure aren't going to do it by themselves.. where are those little elves when you need them?  Bye for now

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Hartz almost killed Dora!

JJ's cat is Dora, she is a 6 yr.old spca rescue cat and we love her, even the dog. I noticed that she was scratching and since flea season is upon us, I got the Hartz ultra guard pro flea/tick drops out of the closet and applied to the area between her shoulder blades,as directed.  JJ and I went out to run some errands and when we came back he went down stairs to get the laundry for me and started yelling that Dora was thrashing around on the floor. I picked her up and she was frothy at the mouth, having a seizure and limp. I thought she was dying before our eyes.

I wrapped her in a warm towel and called the Vet. Since it was after hours, I had to wait for them to call me back. I grabbed my phone and shot a short video in case she died I could show the Vet what had happened to her.

She had violent seizures and horrible muscle tremors and spent 3 days in the vet hospital. They couldn't tell me if she would survive, but they would try to save her.  I'm happy to say she did live, and a week has passed and she can now jump,and acting normal, and I know she's ok, cause she is ignoring me once

I did some searching on the web and have found hundreds of pets who have died,thousands who have been burned by the products or like Dora were poisoned and suffered. I'm asking you all to share the word with everyone you know so they dont use Hartz products on their beloved pets!  How they can continue to see this product is beyond me! But its cruelty at its highest form.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Lifes unexpected turns

Since my last post in August so  much has changed for JJ and I. My relationship with N was falling apart over the last two years. I put on a happy face and tried to make it work, but the damage he had done was not something that could be repaired. Especially when he refused to go for counseling.

I had discovered that he was having "hook up" sex with anyone and everyone he could, most of this happening while he was suppose to be working.  That revelation opened up the flood gates of "now that's the reason why" moments.  He was always secretive, never revealed anything about himself and generally a non talker.  This can now be explained, because if he didn't talk then he couldn't get caught in  any lies.  

Omission is the same as lying.

 I discovered that he has no conscience, no moral compass and honestly thinks its acceptable to have sex with either sex outside of a relationship. AS long as it makes him happy..kind of like a 16 yr old boy..he never grew up to act like a man.

When we first started dating he had a profile on a dating site and it was listed under "long term,dating,intimate encounter".  When I asked about it, he said he clicked on the wrong setting and didn't know how to change it.  Yeah, I believed it but it stuck in the back of my mind.  
He would leave our dates early,(because I wouldn't have sex right away with him) so he would leave at like 9pm and say he was going home.  I called a couple of times, but he wasn't answering the phone, so where was he...not the excuses he gave me, but now I know he was meeting someone from the hook up sex sites.

Two months  into to our relationship and he had given me a sexually transmitted disease.  He told me so I could get treated, and I should of ended the relationship right then... man was I stupid!  He had his "hockey and golf time", which I was not invited to be involved in.  That was his "guy" time.  Well, guy time equals cheating time, something that he had been doing for over 25 years.  His lifestyle was very selfish, something that kept eating at me and eroding away at our relationship.

Now after almost 11 years in this relationship with N, I had enough.  He went away on a "golf" trip and when he came back home 3 days later, I told him to move out.  It was a decision I had been trying to make for two years.  Not working and having a child with a disability to look after was weighing on my mind.  But being with someone who makes you feel alone 24/7 can't be any worse than actually being alone.  I was a strong woman, who had raised two daughters on my own, so I knew with the right mind set, I could raise JJ on my own as well.

So after pushing N to go look at apartments for almost a week  that I had looked up for him, he came home one night and said he rented an apartment.  Personally I think he moved right in with someone, because even his phone number is under someone elses name...but I'm not surprised by that.  He was only separated from his first wife a month and a half when he moved in with me.  He doesn't know how to do anything for himself, so moving in with someone so they can cook, clean and do his laundry... is his pattern. I never got invited to his place when we were dating, I got to see it for the first time when he sold it and wanted to move some pieces of furniture in to my place. His home was a complete dump!

So when I asked him to move out,I wrote up a list and we split the pots pans, utensils.. pretty much everything. I lost out when it came to furniture, of which I paid half of everything. He took my hospital bed and beautiful metal frame,because he needed something to have sex on, I told him I wanted it back when he bought a regular bed so I would have something to sleep on. For now I sleep in the recliner. I bought a sofa and recliner, scrounged up a table and chairs. I got to keep jj's bedroom stuff and my dresser!

JJ was upset by the changes, which I expected to happen.  He cried when his papa moved out, and the first time he saw him again after, he cried again in the privacy of his room.  Overall, he took it much better than I thought he would.  I was prepared for a few melt downs, some behaviour problems, but I guess by me staying calm and non chalant about the split up, it helped JJ. 

I tried to sell the house from September until last month with out an agent, but then decided to list the house so we can split the proceeds and JJ and I can move on with a new home and a new life.  Now that its March, the market will start to pick up and I am hoping that it sells fast.

All the stress has cause me to flair a bit and my blood pressure is up quite high, thankfully its not a full blown flair and I am monitoring the blood pressure daily.  I did go to the Dr. and get tested for every possible sexually transmitted disease plus hepatitis and HIV.  Luckily all the tests were negative. So I do know that once the house sells, and JJ and I are all settled into a new place my health will go back into calm mode.  For now, I take each day as it comes.

Have I learned its imperative to listen to my gutt... you bet.  Do I feel that I wasted 11 years..yes but its no big deal, he isn't worth thinking about all the what if's.... he is someone elses problem now and they can have him ,although I do feel sorry for them. I just know  I'm strong, I will come out ahead!

Saturday, September 01, 2012

What happened to August?

I'm really not sure where August went...I woke up today and it was September!  Its safe to say that the month was pretty uneventful. JJ was having a few emotional days, frustration over a game on his computer I think.  He rarely cries, but can get mad pretty easy, three days last week he started crying. It took me by surprise and I had to mute the tv to make sure it was actually him and not the game he was on.  But low and behold, it was him. I went to his room to ask him what was wrong and he got all embarrassed and said he was "fine"!  I tried to dig further to find out what had caused the tears..but he wouldn't share. 

I wasn't shocked by that, aspie kids rarely share their emotions or causes of them. I have found in the past that if I asked a lot of questions I could sometimes find out what his reason for an outburst was. And to be honest, his reason wouldn't make sense to me. Of course compassion for his feelings is number one, they need to be validated regardless if they make sense to me or not.  More often than not, he didn't know how to explain it so I never got an answer.

Aspergers is as confusing for me as it is for him sometimes.  I read as much as I can on the disorder, and still some of his behaviour and quirks amaze me. Even now 11 years later.

He starts middle school in 4 days. He missed the class tour in June with the rest of the gr.5 students from his elementary school, due to pink eye.  I had to wait until the 23rd to call the middle school and ask if he could get a tour to alleviate the first day jitters.  We went on the 24th and met with the guidance counsellor and he gave the both of us a look at the school.  It also turned out that he got to meet his new teacher, which was a bonus.  

She seems very nice and I managed to give her a quick run down on some of his quirks that she might encounter. My only concern is that he is in a double class, two gr.6 teachers and two classes in one large room. I don't know if he will be able to keep focused on his teacher or if he will be looking and listening to what's going on over on the other side of the room. If the subject his own teacher is teaching doesn't grab his attention I know he will wonder off.

The other teacher is a male, who told me he has a son with autism, so I know he will be an asset to JJ's teacher if he gets off track. I'm also hoping that a couple of his "friends" from last year that contributed to his getting in trouble are in a different class than he is.  I am really hoping that as he puts it he "makes some new friends and they are nerdy". lol   He is really excited about the new school especially when he saw they have a large computer lab and he can't wait to take the class. He is also going to try out for the school soccer team, I hope he gets picked because he loves soccer and it would do so much good for his self-esteem. So he is excited and I am a bit nervous.  Older kids can take such advantage of him and that is a worry of mine.  I know it will be a day at a time like last year was, making sure he stays on track and keeps in with good kids.

I hope all of you with children going back to school have a great first day!